No-bake Cookie Pie Crust

Vanilla Wafer Pie Crust recipe

1.5 cups cookie crumbs

1/3 cup melted butter

Step 1: Pulverize some crisp, dry cookies like vanilla wafers, ginger snaps, store-bought-and-shelf-stable oatmeal cookies, animal crackers, shortbread cookies, or (yuck) graham crackers. Estimates vary on how many cookies to start with because cookie sizes differ so much, but start with 30-35 vanilla wafers or graham crackers. Measure after pulverization. Add more cookies as needed, or remove some crumbs for garnish and/or snacking later on.

Step 2: Cut up a third of a cup of butter into a few pieces and put it in a microwave-safe measuring cup. Melt it in the microwave VERY CAREFULLY. I exploded a third of a cup of butter this time. It made a huge mess and was a waste of money that no one can afford in the middle of a pandemic. Start with 25 seconds and add more time in 5-second increments to avoid my errors. Stop melting when there are only a couple of little pieces of very soft butter left swimming in the cup.

Step 3: Drizzle the melted butter into the cookie crumbs and combine thoroughly. Press the crumbs into an 8- or 9-inch pie pan.

Step 4: Now, at this point, you can chill the buttery crumb pie crust and later fill it with whatever delicious thing you're making. Or you can bake this concoction at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes to really set it. I'm told that the chill method results in crumblier pie crust, while the baked method engineers a more durable pie crust. I have never tested the chill method. I swear, I will do that next time I make a cookie pie crust. I'll take notes and let y'all know what I find out. Just, in the meantime, make sure that crust and its pan are both totally cool before you add pie filling to it, OK?

Now -- about pulverizing: Frankly, I use the food processor. Oh, I need to take a picture of my food processor. It's 26 years old and has a chunk missing from one corner. I don't use it often, but when I need it, I need it. 

I've often tried the baggie-and-rolling-pin method to pulverize, and while it's very cathartic, it isn't as effective as I want it. I want to not recognize that these crumbs used to be something else. I am no good with a real pastry crust, so I want to be a real master of the cookie pie crust. In order to achieve that level of perfection, I need something angrier than me. That's where the banged-up food processor comes in.

On the other hand, there is a certain charm to rustic, homemade goodies, and if you want to bang those cookies with a rolling pin, who am I to keep you down? Go get 'em! Go crush those cookies! They insulted your mama! You don't have to take that from them -- let 'em have it! And I bet in the end, your more pastoral crust will be just as tasty as my city-slicker version.

Now, here's a picture of the exploded butter all over my old microwave oven. Gaze upon the horror and take solace that you did not do this to your own creamery supply.

It's even dripping from the ceiling. Sigh. Let me know if your microwave survives your own butter-melting attempts!

--Bay